Typical job ad for "professionals" during hard times:
- Title: Junior Technician, Analyst, and Chief Scapegoat
- Must have PhD. No MA, MBA, any Master's Degree, BS, BA, or any Bachelor's degree or AA or AS, or any Associate's Degree accepted.
- Must speak all languages, human and computer.
- Must have 3 years of production experience in computer languages not yet released.
- Must have a 4.0 GPA from grade school on.
- Applicant must have perfect attendance and never been late once in your life.
- Must be in excellent health.
- Must pass a background check
- Must pass alcohol and drug tests.
- Must be able to drink like a fish if boss or client asks you out for a drink.
- Must pass the BAR exam, Perfect 1600 SAT score, Ace the GRE
- Must have a S.C.U.B.A. license
- Must have an IQ of at least 160.
- Must possess perfect spelling and grammar. You can not do anything wrong.
- Professional attitude and dress is a must.
- Must graduate from a top-tier school (Ivy League). No whimpy "state-U's".
- Must have 15 letters of excellent references with phone numbers.
- Write a 150 page pager on why do you want to work for us.
- Never quit a job, been terminated, or laid off before.
- Never a straight shooter attitude.
- Excellent interpersonal skills and ability to smile under gunfire.
- Must lack sweat glands of any kind.
- Pass personality tests.
- Never use any curse words.
- Must have a perfect credit history (No late payments ever!! Even on magazines that you didn't order.)
- Must live or move within 3-minutes of office. No moving reimbursement.
- Must be under 40, but have 41 years experience.
- You must attend 20 interviews, go to a panel interview, pay for parking, and buy everyone in the company lunch and snacks.
- Must have certificate in volume gourmet coffee production. Bring the supplies and equipment.
- Must have no family so can work full clock.
- No medical, dental, or life insurance.
- Must supply own desk, cubicle, chair, and computer that must fit company guidelines. {Based on a real situation.}
- Must lie to immigration and visa inspectors.
- If female, must have big tits.
- Pay: $16 per hour on a 1099 basis.
- Must pay own parking. Nearest lot is $17 per hour (more than your salary).
- Subject to termination on capricious whim of management.
(Credit note: Partly culled from lists on slashdot.com and craigslist.com)
CategoryEmployment,
CategoryWikiSarcasm